Poll #3 - For Woman only

[Niagra]

For the most part of your youth and young adult life did you think that men only masturbated if they were not getting enough sex?

[SavoryIce]

It was inevitable that I began to think so. A lot of guys that I knew (and went out with) wanted sex more than half the time, and it was evident most of the time that they masturbated, and often. I didn't see it, but constant visits to the bathroom with no health issues was a bit obvious, and I think hearing them breathing fast made it even more obvious.

But, besides that, I think men just naturally have a craving for sex once they know what it feels like. Hence, they 'get addicted.' Also, they might just be more susceptible.

[VanillaDew]

To tell you the truth, when I was younger I never gave a thought to how often or why guys might masturbate. I married at 18, though, and as a young bride I would have gotten upset had I found out my husband had any need to masturbate since I was always horny, ready, willing, and able to accomodate. I would have viewed it as sexual activity he was denying me or enjoying without me, as if he couldn't trust me or didn't want me.

So looking at it that way, yes, I guess I did assume that if a guy had an willing and able partner to have sex with as much as he'd want, he'd have no need to masturbate. I still sort of feel that way a little, because I know that if *I* had a willing and able partner to have sex with whenever I wanted, I'd probably have very little need to masturbate.

[jamiegirl]

No, I just thought everyone masturbated because it felt good! I would expect a man to masturbate even if he was getting it every day.

[Niagra]

See VanillaDew I was exactly like you and i feel that way too.
But I think for the most part thats how most woman are. I would not masturbate just for the joy of it very often if i had access to some willing sex either. But for men it truly is a different thing. Its actually a favorite childhood past time that they never stop enjoying and really why would they. It will always be something they need every once in awhile just for them .. so really not too different because i would still want to on occasion as well.

The point that boggles my mind is that i truly had no idea of there love of it. And absolutely no idea of the frequency of it. I did catch my husband beating off to porn while i laid willing in the bed and it devastated me. I felt exactly like you would have ... and all because no one ever taught me about it in sex ed. Its totally ridiculous that I did not learn the reality of this until 6 months ago. I knew that men all masturbate of course by now but not the real deal nope. I always thought it was a"need to" not a "want to!!!"

Today because of the internet kids are growing up more aware... but we cant rely on the internet to educate our kids and what about the guilt. It needs to be taught and that is that.

[VanillaDew]

ok Niagra - I can understand what you're saying...

but, if a guy had a willing sex partner everytime he wanted sex, how could he still have the time and energy to also masturbate? That was more my point. If I had a willing sex partner and was getting it once or twice a day, there would be no NEED to masturbate because I'd be totally satisfied and not have any drive, time, or energy for more that I'd need to do alone.

I think, too, while a few men might have a drive large enough to encompass both, not all would. I mean, the biggest reason I'm even here at MP is because my husband has very little drive. Obviously not all men would want or could handle that much sexual activity.

[Vada]

Vanilla Dew, I know exactly what you mean. I also think that if there's a partner that's willing and ready then satisfy her or him first, then if you still have the drive, masturbate all you want. When I asked my husband why we didn't have sex more often he said that it was his age and he just didn't have the sex drive, but over the months I've realized that he actually masturbates quite a bit. To me if someone doesn't have a sex drive that includes not wanting to masturbate.

So how am I supposed to react to that? I can't help but feel that he prefers masturbating to making love to me. He denies this, but what other explanation is there? Niagra, I know you are saying that masturbating is part of a man's life and I can accept that, but I can't accept that my husband would prefer to masturbate to making love to me. It's hard for me not to take it personally or think there's something wrong with me or I'm doing something wrong. I've asked about this and he says no, that everything is fine.

[rodpumper]

ok Niagra - I can understand what you're saying...

but, if a guy had a willing sex partner everytime he wanted sex, how could he still have the time and energy to also masturbate? That was more my point. If I had a willing sex partner and was getting it once or twice a day, there would be no NEED to masturbate because I'd be totally satisfied and not have any drive, time, or energy for more that I'd need to do alone.

I think, too, while a few men might have a drive large enough to encompass both, not all would. I mean, the biggest reason I'm even here at MP is because my husband has very little drive. Obviously not all men would want or could handle that much sexual activity.

I know this is a women only poll, but just to chime in from the "other side" -

Speaking only for myself, more sex makes me want to masturbate more, not less, as the recent memory makes me all the more horny. And "time and energy" is not an issue. I always have the energy and can usually make the time. Then again, I'm one of those guys who pops a boner at even the slightest provocation (whether that's "normal" or not, I don't care, I'm damn happy about it), and if I've got the opportunity and a private place to do it, I generally don't waste it. Speaking of that, an opportunity just "arose" while I typed this . . .

[Niagra]

And there you have it girls... Vanilla and I are so alike and Vada I too would absolutely be taking that personal. I am so like all of you woman it just to us makes no dam sense.

But if we figure it out that this love of man to beat their meat is not a need its a love. They fell in fricken love with their dick when they were young,,, and its the one thing that has never let them down. To spend time alone with it every now and again is important.

If you are someone that has frequent sex (lucky ducks) then he will beat off more if you have not so frequent sex he will still beat it just not as often. Its weird. They would not choose masturbation over sex but they would make time to masturbate. Its a different thing to them I spose. NEED and Masturbate are unrelated to men.

But I do know that sex drive is only fueled for men by more sex or sexual stimulus. So if you want some more sex start working the visual stimulus or dressing more alluring or dimming a light after a bath. Or bending over with out any unders to pick up some link hehe. Work it baby ... OWN IT!!

After the typical man is over the emotions of falling in love ... sex becomes as it was intended to be a physical experience for the most part. I'm not saying that they dont feel the love or anything just that the act is not emotion driven. Unless they purposefully set out to make it an emotional experience and that would only happen if they learned that to keep her happy in the bedroom and sex alive in marriage they must love the whole woman not just the physical. Trust me its just not something they would do on their own because they dont use emotion to think. Now that much we did learn in school. all men have the ability to use emotion in thought but its something they must do - not something that comes on naturally like it does for woman. Its a bonafide choice.

[VanillaDew]

When I asked my husband why we didn't have sex more often he said that it was his age and he just didn't have the sex drive, but over the months I've realized that he actually masturbates quite a bit. ...
So how am I supposed to react to that? I can't help but feel that he prefers masturbating to making love to me. He denies this, but what other explanation is there?

My husband says he doesn't masterbate at all. (and I've never seen evidence otherwise.) He's just not very interested in sex, although he does make the effort to be more interested for me and he's a wonderful lover when we're doing it.

Whenever I have confided in people about my husband's lack of sex drive, I get the same response: I should do more to try to turn him on. I should dress sexier, seduce him more, read erotica or watch porno with him. But I've done all those things, and it doesn't work. Also it's not my job to make him want sex. He is responsible for his own sexual drive and impulses.

Vada, I completely understand and relate to what you're saying. I've felt the same say. It has literally taken me years to come to the point where I understand to the core of my being that it's in no way my fault that my husband has lost his sex drive. It's not really his fault either - he's just that way and I can't change him anymore than someone could change my favorite flavor from chocolate to licorice.

You can't change your husband, nor can you really even force him to see whatever truth he insists on denying. If after he's presented with your side of the case in easy to understand language, in a sincere and earnest manner, and he still doesn't take it upon himself to make changes for your sake or the sake of the marriage, you just have to decide if you can love him as he is, can you find peace and happiness with him as he is, or will you have to make your future without him in order to find peace and happiness.

Most of all, Vada, realize that it isn't your fault. He's responsible for his own feelings and actions. Just like your feelings and actions are all yours. You have value and beauty whether or not he ever has sex with you again. And that's the truth.

[alwayshard]

Nilla, I don't think anyone could've put it any better.

[Niagra]

wow Vanilla that was superbly written. I agree a million percent.

[Vada]

Thanks Vanilla Dew for your insight. Since you've been married longer you've had to deal with this a lot longer than I have. Right now I've decided that I love my husband and that I'm just going to have to deal. The times we do make love will have to sustain me through the dry spells and it's not like the dry spells go on for weeks, they go on for days a week at the most.

I do have a question for you. Do you think that phone sex or watching someone masturbate on here is cheating?

[Niagra]

I'd like to try and chime in on that question Vada if I may? Its not an easy answer and really its 2 fold. To be realistic the simplest answer to that question would be ... if you presented the reasons why you are here to your partner and what you ultimately end up achieving by being here, (ie: not running around on him) would you feel that he would be hurt and feel as though you have betrayed him? Also worth noting until you have done that you really don't know and could not possibly answer for him. Most of you would be shocked I guarantee you by the answers you receive. If your partner would be, and you think they would surely you are cheating in your heart. If you genuinely don't know, then there is more to consider.

Should you ask them? If you are being eaten alive by guilt ... absolutely! If you are learning and sharing and enjoying yourself and its actually helping you to deal in positive ways in your relationship, then perhaps you should consider talking to them and sharing this glorious place with him for approval. Perhaps not at first but in his own thoughts throughout the day I can't imagine that you telling him about this place would not do at least one of two things. Certainly it should either make him worried that he is not providing you enough sexual stimulus and want to try harder or and likely this... he will get very hot thinking about you and this place and fuck your brains out deliciously. I realize one would have to be mature to feel this way but certainly I would think that it is very likely. Man are very protective of what they deem as theirs!!! Think about it a bit.

[VanillaDew]

Would my husband be hurt that I'm a member here? A little, yes, I think so. Although he would understand that I have done so for the outlet I wasn't getting otherwise, and that it truly was a better alternative than leaving him or finding a lover (which I was very close to resorting to last year). He'd still be a little hurt by it. He'd be very uncomfortable about the avatar picture.

If you're only going a week at the most, Vada, without sex, then consider yourself lucky. I've had to cope with months between sexual encounters with my husband, with not a single sign from him that he even thought about sex (he says he doesn't). The longest period, I think, was 4 months. I let it go that long because a) I was trying not to pressure or nag him, and b) I wanted to see how long he could possibly go. In the end, he never came to me...I had to confront him. He had no idea it had been that long.

Which brings me to the other part of how he'd feel about me being here: he'd feel guilty because he'd feel like he was disappointing me by not being more of a sexual being or a better husband. Honestly, it IS a disappointment to me that it's turned out this way. And he knows that I'm frustrated by our sex life. And, for the record, he is making changes, personal growth, etc, that are improving our otherwise good and solid relationship.

As to whether me showing up at this site is cheating? I don't think so.
Is looking at pictures of others or reading their stories cheating? No.
Is live cam or phone sex cheating? That gets into a gray area, I think, where I personally am not willing to go.
Certainly, I think showing up in person, even to only masturbate, with another live human... that falls well within the definition of cheating, as far as I'm concerned.